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*NOTES* Played via PSL. 21 year old female. Set in Queens, NY. I play Lilah; the bolded parts.
An old denim jacket offset her outfit of a baggy vintage t-shirt, black mini skirt and worn out combat boots. Her eyes were outlined with charcoal liner that had been smeared throughout the day by the rubbing of her fingers and touched up slightly before venturing out for the evening. She couldn't be bothered to run a brush through her hair, but the mess of loose tangles pulled together the edgy look that had been retrieved, that morning, from her bedroom floor. Lilah cared about her appearance, that was true, but not too much. If nothing else, it made it obvious that she gave little care to what anyone else thought of her and with that came the air of confidence that surrounded her most times. At 21 years old, Lilah Mayweather was still the outsider in her Queens, NY neighborhood. Everyone else had been there for ages and few accepted her as someone to be trusted. She lived with her aunt, uncle, and five cousins...and with the exception of the cousins who had been under five when arrived here six years ago, her family was included in those statistics. None of them really cared about her whereabouts. If she didn't come home at night, no one seemed to mind. If she did, she had become accustomed to sneaking in quietly and sleeping through her cousins walking in and out of the bedroom that she shared with them. It was time to move out, but pulling slices at the local pizza parlor did little to maintain enough money to pay rent on a monthly basis. But that wasn't a real concern. For now, her only real concern was him. Bobby Hines was the leader of The Knights and had been on Lilah's radar for some time now. She had seen him around for years, but it was only in the last one that she had really began to notice him around. Since then, she made no qualms in pestering The Kid, her only real friend and member of The Knights, about tagging her along to one of the private parties thrown by gang. He refused, but as of late, she had been pushing him harder until he had finally given in. Tonight was the night...and even then, she didn't put extra effort into her appearance. No need for false advertising after all. “Will you shut up?” she spat out to The Kid as they approached the door of the clubhouse around 10pm. “I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself.” He was spitting out a list of dos and don'ts to her as if she was going to walk in and get him killed on the spot. Maybe she would get him killed, but it certainly wouldn't be on the spot. She had faith in what she was doing that not....if only it hadn't gone away as soon as they opened the door. Standing in a hallway, merely feet from the staircase leading to the main room in which the party was being held, stood a man practically cloaked in black. If it weren't for the small light of the hallway, his dark slacks and buttoned up shirt would have easily kept his own form from being noticed there. Not that he cared if he were seen. It wasn't all too common for most to actually look up as they headed towards the clubhouse. Drink in hand, it had barely been touched, as he stared out into the night. Blue eyes feeling that much more dull, as he did. In one word, Bobby was bored. He had lived a rough life, all from day one. Regardless of his many transgressions, he really wanted nothing more than to just live a more peaceful lifestyle. Something that he could nearly taste, at one point, being so close to it. But it was out of his reach and he had made his choice on that long ago. Even being only twenty-nine, he fully believed that even if he had left The Knights so long ago, he wouldn't have been able to handle the life that he felt he wanted. It wasn't the right fit for him. He had been this way for far too long, and it had made him who he was today. Bobby was a leader. Their leader. This was his family now and that was the way things were meant to be. Knocking back the drink, he barely felt the burn of it. Glass in hand being left at the window sill, since he no longer found any use of it. He had stolen his proverbial kingdom long ago, and made it in his own image. Tonight was a night to celebrate some of that, yet again. Regardless of the way he felt right now, he stepped away from the window and headed for the stairs. As he moved down the stairs, he looked over the small crowd. Content enough faces, each enjoying their own cigarettes and liquor. Any sounds meeting his own ears barely registered to him. It was just another party and he was just there to make a point of playing leader. No clue about who was about to enter the clubhouse or how his life might end up being effected. “You could have at least fixed yourself up a bit. Coming in here, looking like you rolled straight out of bed...you embarrass me!” His accent sounded of thick Italian, despite the fact that he was American, born and bred. The Kid, better known as Steven Alfred Barrett from down the street, was more on edge about this meeting than Lilah could have ever been. She had a mouth on her; he knew it. In his eyes, she was going to wreck havoc for the both of them. Leather, motorcycles and automobiles were the least of her concern. Gunshots were a thought not considered. She had tunnel vision and they both knew it. It led straight to his leader – obstacles not of importance. “Jerk,” hissed through her lips as her eyes narrowed in his direction. The comment was rude, but really not worth the second thought that she gave it to continue to her reply. “If that's the most that you got to be concerned about, I'll assume that you're nothing but pawn in this game of chess. So maybe, I should be more concerned about coming in here with you than you should be coming in here with me.” The edges of her lips curled up like the ends of a handlebar mustache. Her short, colorless but well-kept fingers pushed through the messy strands of light brown hair on her head, making even more of a mess after they had fallen back into place. Nothing said to her that night could ruin this – unless it was spoken through the perfect lips of the man that she was coming here for. Lilah was riding on a fantasy train of luck. She knew better than to believe that any person here knew her name, or cared too. She was a face that some of them had passed on the street; a face that served them at the pizza parlor where she worked. Nothing more. But that didn't concern her. When the door was opened and the guard had given them the nod, she walked into the party as if she was exactly where she was supposed to be. The only hesitation came as she paused some feet from the open door way to glance around the room. As she skimmed the faces, none belonged to man that she came here to see...that is until she landed on face of a recognizable body scaling the stairs. It was him. This was as close as she had even gotten to him. A volt of electricity rushed through her veins as found her eyes locked on him. Though she could hear The Kid mumbling something about not looking at him, Lilah couldn't make herself look away. The most she could do was part her lips into a smile as the feeling of his eyes sat on her. Had his eyes really been on her? Probably not, but Lilah didn't know. The only thing she knew for sure was that her friend was grabbing her by the arm and pulling for her to move, so followed The Kid through the room and planted herself in a seat at the bar to wait. Yes. She would wait him out if she had to. The room before him was everything it was meant to be. Not that he had been the one to choose the entire layout and look. There was simply a certain feel to it that he had expected. Where most eyes stayed away from him, ignoring the fact that he was even entering the room, he did take notice of an unfamiliar face. Curiosity struck him, but his own gaze did not stay on her for but a mere second. No point in garnering unneeded attention. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, he made his way through the room. Nothing special or extravagant, as far as his own means. Everyone there knew who he was. That didn't stop him from bidding the usual hellos. The ever vigilant host, at least for now. This didn't stop him from realizing just where the young woman stood. No, whereas he did make his way around the room, he was in all actuality making his way towards her. It was all simply done in a discreet means. Boredom had his curiosity itching that much more. Taking quick note of who it was that she was standing next to and probably here with, he actually smiled to himself. This all gained that much more interest to him. Bidding The Kid hello, he allowed his own gaze to really look over the young woman. Something in her eyes and posture simply seemed deserving of attention. As if she were calling physically trying to send some sort of message. One that he was unable to read, just yet. "And who might you be?" he asked quietly, even as he grabbed hold of the attention of the bartender. Wordlessly, he received his own usual drink without having to wait. That last thing that he had figured was that he needed some sort of introduction. Before even lifting the glass to his lips, he opted to remain standing, leaning over the bar as he did so. "First time here?" The key was to remain calm. There would be no “fangirling” out in his presence. No hint that she was excited to see the person who walked a maze through the room in her direction. He could have whoever he wanted...whoever he didn't want too. She had to make him want her, otherwise...she'd only be a bump in his road. Lilah had considered this moment for a long while. There would be no faking and no manipulation. She would emphasize exactly who she was for him to see. If he wasn't interested, then Lilah would walk away. But her confidence suggested that he would be interested – even if he didn't want to be. As she slipped onto the bar stool planted firmly at the end of the bar, Lilah focused her attention on the bartender. For those few, quick moments that she was ordering herself a beer, she appeared to be in her own world, having forgotten about him. But soon enough, she turned her head again and glanced in his direction. She watched every person that he greeted, took note of every pair of “fuck me” eyes that he was given and even a few sneers from members of his own “gang” of friends. Of course there was jealously among the crew...why shouldn't their be? Luckily, it wasn't the prestige of The Knights that attracted Lilah to this party. Only the man seated in the throne of power. “I might be Lilah. Or I might be Coral. I could be a girl, but I might be a guy dressed like a girl. Does it really matter?” The seat of the bar stool spun slowly around so that her eyes were facing the party. Elbows rested against the bar as she struggled to keep her thighs together, opting to cross them slowly after a few moments. No wonder never wore a skirt. Shooting her glance to the side, she took note of his demeanor. Strong and firm? Cool and collected? It didn't really matter what label was attached to it. It had every girl here willing to drop their undies to the floor. Lilah included. “I think you know what you need to know.” Pulling the bottle of beer to her lips, Lilah swallowed down a large gulp without changing her position at all. Until her head finally turned into his direction anyway. “Yeah. First time here. Though, I'm sure you know that.” Her reaction to him did not go unnoticed. Instead of being bothered by it, something about it continued to draw out his own curiosity. Her silence had him wondering just how interested she was in that beer or if she were quietly thinking over a proper response. As far as he was concerned, Bobby had heard it all. It was partly the reasoning as to why he never bothered to really take anyone and make them his. Everyone was the same, they just told their stories differently. Another pretty face with a sob story to tell and a sad attempt at charm. His boredom told him otherwise though, as he continued to stand there next to her. "Lilah?" he questioned, while quirking a brow. Had that been the actual response, followed by false ones? Maybe he was delusional, or maybe he just liked the name better than Coral. "I think I'd be more inclined to believe that over Coral. Such a bland name." Leaning towards her, as if to share some sort of secret or private joke, Bobby smirked. "And if you were a guy dressed like a girl, I doubt you would look like you do." Pulling back away from her, he simply continued on. His own arrogance showing, but it wasn't as if he cared there. "But, no, it doesn't matter. Would just prefer something to call you." Whatever seeming attitude she had to be giving him now, even knowing who he was, Bobby wasn't particularly used to. It was obviously bad move on her part, or a very intelligent one. He would decide later on. Either way, he was content to follow along with what she was saying, all without skipping a beat. "But you're very right. I do know what I need to. Do you?" Yet another question, as he lifted his own glass to his lips for a drink. "Have you taken the time to get a good look around then? There are far better sites to see than just the bar, even if it practically owns my heart here." Downing the rest of his drink, he placed it on the bar. Standing fully, he wondered just how she was about to take that invitation. As her lips pressed together in a hard line, Lilah's eyes brightened with the light of humor. She was laughing at him...and she didn't even bother to turn away to hide the fact. No...maybe if he had done something embarrassing or made a fool of himself in someway. That would be when she turned to hide the laugh that became evident on her face. For now, she continued to face him as...it was more like she was laughing at herself, really, than at him. After all, she was the one who made the possibly disparaging remarks, right? He couldn't get mad at her for laughing at herself. “You're good. Then again, they had to promote you as leader of this...organization? For some reason. If the rest of your skills prove to be anything like these...the message is clear.” Okay, that line was a little below Lilah's belt. She had much better ways of capturing and containing his attention than some compliment that came off as a cheesy line. She knew coming in that she was going to have to work for his affections. He was different and that was why she found herself quite attracted to him. Accidentally popping out crappy lines was not going to work in her advantage, but she kept her cool. “I'm impressed. I'm not even wearing good jeans and you can make out my ass.” Part of her knew that he wasn't talking about her ass, but that she didn't mean she wouldn't use that line to rile him up. “I prefer Lilah. Though, in the last six years, I've become accustomed to, “Hey Chick!” The final two words were spoken from her lower abdomen, in a deep tone with a stereotypical Italian accent attached on. It wasn't her fault that the guys in her place of business were full-blooded Italians right out of a feature film. As Lilah continued to sip from the bottle in her hand, her eyes focused on Bobby. She made no attempts to lock in his gaze; she kept it casual. There was no one else in this room who deserved her attention, but she could give it to anyone that she wanted. “I know enough. I know who you are and that's all I care to know.” That was his first hint as to why she was here. She was here for him and no one else. This “gang”..”club”...whatever they called it, it meant nothing to her. She wanted him; nothing more and no one else. Maybe he took the bait or maybe he didn't, but he did seem to offer to take her on a tour of this establishment. How, and why, would she refuse? “If that is your offer to take me on a tour...I accept. After you.” The sound of her own laughter reaching his ears, even amongst the noise that was the crowded room, he couldn't help but stare. It didn't matter for what reason she was actually doing so, but something more along the lines of seeing actual laughter. There was no fake sense of anything seemingly there. Of course, he could be wrong, but he prided himself on having a good sense of people. Without it, he couldn't imagine him getting to where he was today, let alone alive. Well, maybe not necessarily alive, but actually standing there and breathing. Sometimes he felt more dead inside than he ever cared to admit to anyone, including himself. Something about the way and things he had seen in this world, all within the past twenty-nine years, it had changed that kid he used to be back when he had first joined up with the organization. A slow growing smirk laid there in his features. It had even somehow moved into a certain arrogance in his stance. But it wasn't the usual arrogance that was found there. No, something more obvious and there specifically to be noticed. Bobby didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. Emotions were something to be hidden beyond that cool exterior. You never showed your cards if you planned to win a poker game. "I could be mistaken, but did you just compliment me? Let's alert the media? I can see the headlines now. Bottoms up." Quickly becoming that much more relaxed, then grinned at her. "I have a tendency to make all of my messages crystal clear." Nodding, he understood how that went far too well. He had been caught in that aspect of his life long, long ago. It had taken quite some time for him to make a name for himself, but not as much as his predecessor. That wasn't his problem now. Some people deserved to be six feet deep in an unmarked hole. Now he was the type to know someone's actual name when he spoke to them. "That's good, because I think I prefer Lilah too." "You're good." He repeated her own words from a moment ago. There wasn't an actual right or wrong answer to his question, yet she had still found the best answer to give. There were so many directions this little talk could have went, yet she seemed harmless enough. Not someone here to do him harm in some way or another. Not someone throwing herself at him. No, instead she found a way to hold his interest. This all certainly beat his previous boredom, which was long forgotten. However, he knew full well that even if it weren't completely noticeable, that all eyes were on her. He began to wonder just how well she handled that and if she realized it. Making a point not to just walk through the crowd, he opted to head for another hallway from the outskirts of the party. He was usually one to sneak away from these gatherings, but not always with company. Holding the door open for her, he waited until she had walked through before following and closing it behind him. "Any requests on what you might like to see first?" That was something that they had in common, Lilah and Bobby, events of the world had killed the kid that they once used to be. His were related to this gang; hers were to the death of her parents. Whichever could be construed as more intense, it didn't really matter. In the eye of the beholder, their circumstances were always more intense. What mattered were effects of those circumstances and that is where their differences would lie. Bobby was dead inside. Lilah was more alive than ever. It gave her the ability to laugh and to love without judgment or fear. To be here and to not be afraid of what was going on out there either. You only live once, is what they say, and is a motto that Lilah firmly lives by. Live life, but with caution. This girl could play a good game of poker. Distract you with her dark eyes while she had the winning hand all along. She had been around this block long enough to learn how to hustle, but tonight...she wasn't hustlin'. Tonight, her game was entirely different. Lilah wanted to get inside of Bobby and under his skin. The change in his stance and the smirk that was slipping onto his lips gave her proof that it was working. Maybe he didn't realize it, but he was showing emotion. Not much, but a little. She was affecting him. He was amused. The tension in his shoulders was drifting away. “I did.” Her voice was full of confidence and pep. Not like those squeaky girls who should be cheerleading on the sideline of football games. It was a cool, smooth kind of pep that would get your heart racing but never annoy the shit out of you. “And for staring at my ass too,” she continue, slipping him a subtle wink of her eye. “Now, what kind of girl does that make me?” Lilah knew that she had to be careful. All these jokes would make him laugh; maybe he didn't want to laugh. Not here in front of all of these people who didn't know her name, but would by morning. “Lilah it is then. Maybe I'll even let you all me baby sometime.” In the very back of her mind, Lilah knew that every pair of eyes in that room was on her. But, in the forefront of her mind, it was not even a thought that she considered. She was a nobody; just another face of someone that lived in the neighborhood. As far as she was concerned, no one here cared to know her name...and even if she woke up naked in their leader's bedroom tomorrow, these people still wouldn't care. The rational side of her knew better. They had to protect him, so she never be a nobody again...but...that was the side of herself that she ignored. Mainly, because all she really cared about was this guy that stood in front of her and what his opinion was of her. Everyone else could go to hell. “I've been around here long enough to know two things. One of them is don't stick my nose where it doesn't belong. Besides,” she said, getting a bit of attitude back into her voice while letting her head wobble, a little, from side to side for emphasis, “Steven the Kid back there would have my behind. I had to do some fast talking to even get myself in here tonight.” Lilah followed him closely as he maneuvered the room to a side hall that sat away from where the majority of guests had congregated. As the door closed behind her, leaving them in the dimly lit, narrow hall way, Lilah could feel a burst of adrenaline swelling up inside her. To calm the nerves that were starting to pound through her, she took another sip of her beer before glancing behind her to see her male tour guide. “Well, I'm already seeing who I came to see. Anything else is just an accessory.” Her confidence just added to the appeal, in that moment. It wasn't something that came off fake or overly done. He had seen more than his fair share that attempt the same feat, only to either breakdown and quickly become submissive or just flat out annoy. Something about the idea of some young girl twisting around her hair around her finger as she popped bubblegum and batting her lashes at him was never something he was interested in. Something she didn't try with him. "The right kind of girl," he told her plainly. Not the kind of girl that just anyone would be bothered with either. And yet, here he was. Lilah had caught Bobby's interest and held it. Not something he expected, and it was certainly not something he would expect to keep for too long either. At some point, there was a probably expiration date, since that's how it always went for him. Women came and went. There wasn't one that he could figure had given him reason to keep. That was too dangerous anyway. Not simply in club dynamics and with rival gangs, but in where his full interests could lie. But even as she spoke, he couldn't help but maintain his own confidence. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that if he wanted to call her that, it would be an issue. The idea just didn't interest him. Only the attitude that matched up with that look she was giving him. Nodding, he agreed with her easily. "A clean nose stays breathing." Something he also learned long ago. It just wasn't something that he had the ability to always commit to. Once certain aspects had been set in motion, back in his younger days, everything was found to be in the need to know pile. His life depended on it. Once information was learned, there was never any going back. Things changed. People changed. Circumstances were always the worst though. You had to have a quick mind in order to actually find the best routes to take. It was always a good thing that he was quick to think on his feet. Bobby had caught all of the subtle, and not so subtle, points she made about seeing him tonight. Each one having made things that much more clear to him. This didn't mean that he understood what her end game was here or that she could even pull through and make it all happen. Instead, it just continued to itch at his own curiosity. Standing there at the door, he took her in. His gaze roaming over her figure unabashed. "Women and their accessories." Bobby's voice was quiet and nonjudgmental, as he moved up behind her. One hand was placed on the small of her back, as he stepped forward a few feet. Opening a door to his left, he bid her on inside. Flipping the switch, as he closed the door, a dark office setting could be noticed. Older, but sleek furniture, all left without a personal touch to it. It was all simply there, waiting to be used. Licking his lips, Bobby smirked at Lilah, before slowly deciding to close the distance between the two. "Now I know that gaining an audience with me isn't easy. You came all this way and have my attention. What are you going to do with it?" And this is where things would get tricky. In the darkness of that office, nothing Lilah had considered for this meeting could be useful to her. If she wanted to continue being welcomed around, she had to carefully play this situation by ear. Honesty first, impression later. Bobby was a no nonsense type of guy. He was seasoned. Manipulation wouldn't work on him; not that Lilah had any will to manipulate. But she did want to use her best assets in order to keep herself around for as long as possible. In theory, it seemed like a realistic plan. In reality, she knew that she was walking a fine line and, eventually, she was bound to lose her balance. But, for the moment, she was in. A dark office, alone with this guy that...she didn't really know. What she did know of him wouldn't make for a solid resume of a guy to trust, yet, she held no fear of being in a...delicate position with him. Alone, away from the peering eyes of a possible solider who could help her if this guy decided to take advantage of her. Some might call it stupid, but Lilah called it risky. Necessary, because in order to make a breakthrough with him...they had to be away from those peering eyes. She would never be anything more than a prop to him when he had a reputation to protect. Lilah could understand that – she had been a part of it for a while. For six years, she had been walking around this neighborhood. For the first two, she never went anywhere alone for the fact that her uncle refused to allow it. The gang activity was too high. A bunch of little boys with bad attitudes would love to prey on a girl that they didn't know to prove they were big an bad. It was until she had been working in the pizza parlor for some time that she was allowed out. At that point, she became a face of the neighborhood. People knew who she was, even if they didn't know her, and she was “safe.” Even then, The Kid generally walked her home from work at night. Her body slid onto the edge of the desk. In this light, she didn't bother to hold up her “lady-like” demeanor by crossing her legs. She simply rested her hands in between her somewhat open thighs, swinging the bottle back and forth gently. Her eyes, on the other hand, were locked on his. She didn't know how many people would have the guts to look him in his eyes while they were talking to him, but she had no problem with it. She had nothing to hide from him, and quite frankly, she wanted to see exactly what he had to hide from her. “Hmmm...” She pulled the bottle up to her lips to take another sip, momentarily hiding the smirk that forced it's way onto her lips. Her voice dropped low, became raspy. And whether it sounded confident or not, she was staring him straight in the eyes and what spoke of more confidence than that? “Well, I'm not going to sleep with you. That'd make me easy...and I'm not easy. I could say that I am going to make you fall in love with me, but that's...sticky territory, you know what I mean?” She paused. “So maybe...I will just sit here and stare at you until it drives you fucking insane. Until you break down and tell me what you have been thinking about me for the last five minutes. Until you decide if you want to keep me around...because I'm the only person that has enough balls to tell you, you're not that hard to get an audience with. Or until your pride is hurt, so you get in my face and act all big and bad before ultimately walking out the door.” She smirked again. “Any preferences?” Bobby didn't fully understand Lilah's intentions here, but with as much as she had given away, it made enough sense to him. Where her feelings stood on most everything, well, she was a stranger there. In his line of work, so to speak, he basically had to live off others word. Something that became far too tricky and left a paranoid taste in anyone's mouth. Even so, he did have a good sense about people, and usually even better judgement. Without it, he wouldn't have made it this far or alive as long as he had. The idea of a sort of game plan or tactic to be used with him was something he had long ago questioned in their conversation in its entirety. He was somewhat cocky though. An air of confidence that whatever she was after, she wouldn't gain it without him giving it willingly. Standing there in front of her, even with the way that she acted towards him, he factored in intimidation here. This was a simple game of poker and you didn't give up all of your cards so quickly. She was good, but how good, he wasn't too sure of. This was a good way to test her limits, and his. He wanted to know what was going on here, to see if she was really after what he thought she was. That and for what purpose. In this world everyone wanted something. There were givers and takers. Bobby was never much of a giver. Something about her told him she wasn't either. The real question for him was if her reactions were really planned and targeted to get a hold of his attention or if they had something to do with her age and possible naivety. Just how much did she know about him? What sort of things happened with this group? He could tell that she was young, but just how young was more difficult to say. Even here, he wouldn't claim that anyone bothered to check her identification in order to be bothered with handing her a drink. As her gaze matched his own, he didn't flinch. Bobby did take that moment to take in her soft features again. Her words though, had him quirk a brow at her. "Won't sleep with me? Maybe I won't sleep with you? Don't really know about easy. It's only bad if you're a bad lay." Leaning forward, but not too much into her personal space, he placed a hand on either side of her on the desk. "Love is very sticky. Trivial too. Has little point other than set as an attachment." The idea of her staring at him, only had him laughing at pulling away. "She gets a moment alone with Bobby Hines and she wants to play mind games and stare at him?" Walking over to the opposite wall, he pulled open a cabinet and poured himself another drink. "Staring at me isn't going to drive me crazy. I'm always watched for some means or another, even when eyes aren't on me. I know this. Your eyes pulled me in, but they won't keep me." Turning to peer back at her, he gave a small smile. "And my pride is far from wounded when I have my fill of women ready to line up at my bed." Taking a drink, he barely pulled the glass from his mouth as he leaned back against the counter. "But I highly doubt you came this far to want to watch me walk away. I don't have any preferences at all. Everyone has an agenda. You can dish it out or you can take it. Which is it?" If Bobby was confused, then Lilah was doing her job...at least for the moment. The longer he had to work to figure out exactly why she was here tonight, then the longer she kept him in this room. But, it would not be much longer now... He'd make the choice to stay or make the choice to walk away, but no matter what...it would be completely his decision based on what he saw. There was no real word for Lilah to give to him, for him to take and to trust. What he already had, that judgment and those people skills, were what would tell him whether or not she was being real. Whether what he was seeing was what he would get if he chose to have it. That's why she had walked into this place without a mask. No perfectly done makeup, tight fitting clothes or perfect hair. No perky voice with faked personality that was sure to get him in bed for at least a night. She wasn't going to kiss his ass to get him kissing her. But...she did want him kissing her, so to speak, and that was the message that she was sending. Despite the rumors rustling around the neighborhood, Lilah was interested in becoming a part of his life. Why? Maybe she was looking for trouble; maybe she was looking for heartbreak. Maybe, she just liked a challenge – and clearly, he was the biggest one. But, if her actions had gotten his attention that night...it was not because she put on a show. What had she done? Stared at him for a few seconds as he made his way down the stairs? That was all. Other than that, her mouth had been shooting off it's normal sarcasm laced honesty and bullshit full of confidence. She was who she was and Bobby was getting an exclusive preview. She laughed. Again. As he nearly stood in between her parted knees, at the border of her personal space, she laughed. Her smile was genuine; even to be considered a brightness in this dark room. “For you,” she said, the laughter still feeling her voice. “I fall into the double standard category where, if I am easy, my all important reputation turns to shit. But you shouldn't sleep with me anyway.” Her voice turned into a whisper. She leaned in, pressing her lips almost to his ear and she said, “I might make you cry.” She paused for a moment as the laughter, but the smile remained. “And you are the guy of no attachments, right?” He was trying to test her alright. Lilah had a few people skills herself. Though not as seasoned as her companion, she had enough skills to know when someone was trying her patience and her pride. Did he want to hurt her and make her run away? That was possible, but he might be shocked to find that she was unphased by his words. For the moment, anyway, because she was calling his bluff. “So, what you are saying,” she said slowly as she pushed herself off of the desk and moved over to a leather sofa that was pushed against one all. “Being alone in a room with one person...that person staring at you without saying a word...that wouldn't drive you insane?” She didn't believe him. “You can walk away...that's your choice. I came in here knowing that you, at best, want to fuck me and leave me alone to cry my emotions away. So make me cry...walk away and go find the slut in the corner that wants to bone you dry.” She pushed her shoulders up slowly before dropping down onto the sofa. Her body slid down into a laying position, knees up and half empty bottle of beer placed carefully onto the floor. Her entrancing eyes locked on his form again as she said her final words, for the moment, “I'm going to sit here and stare at you...and not say another word...and we'll see if you can handle it.” |
| Medium Thread |
*NOTES* Played via PSL. 28 year old female. Set in Montana. I play Tabitha; the bolded parts.
Her head was spinning, but she could not stop moving. Until the last hour, there had been so much to do with so little time to do it. The pressure on her shoulders was too heavy for her to carry, but she was still carrying it with a closed mouth and very little opinion on what she was actually doing. As much as she had been regretting the idea of this party, she had actually come to some peace with it. Though she was expected to mingle and be social with people that she barely remembered from childhood, that was all she had to do. She had nothing else to worry about. No plans to make. No having orders dictated to her by her older, much more controlling fiance. Tabitha Anne Price was what some considered the most envied young woman in the area. At 28 years old, she was not only a college graduate with a prestigious job – a veterinarian for the local ranching community – but she was also engaged to one of the most wealthy men around, albeit, he was over three decades her senior. To the outside world, her fiance was what any young woman would want – gorgeous, respectable and sweet. He lavished her in gifts rather consistently. She had the best clothes, precious jewelry and a brand new Lincoln Navigator to drive herself around in. He would take her out to fancy dinners, show her off at town parties and over all...gush about her beauty, intelligence and wit. But that's just want the rest of the townsfolk thought. In reality, Walter Belson was a much different man. His controlling nature left him unhappy with his much younger and beautiful fiance – mainly because she chose to work and make her own money, instead of becoming the trophy housewife and spend his. A good portion of the gifts were sent as apologies to the fights that kept their home in knots during most nights. Their relationship had come about quickly. Tabitha had gotten involved with him, fallen for him, and found herself engaged before she really had a chance to think it through. Now, she felt locked into a relationship that she couldn't get out of. In fact, there was a large part of her that was scared to even try. She had a feeling that Walter wouldn't have it. Now, she was stuck at this party. There were few people that she really remembered. His son, Robert, was around her age. From afar, she had seen him roaming around somewhere, but honestly...she hadn't spoken to him since her arrival back in town almost six months ago. Even though, at one point in their lives, they were very close. He was probably the only person at this party that she had ever really known. Everyone else was simply a name with a face, if that. With Walter distracted, talking to a business partner, Tabitha knew that she had some time to get away. Casually, she made her way toward the open balcony door. Several feet from it, she stopped a waiter and refreshed her drink before reaching the deserted darkness of a Montana sky. To say that the relationship between the Belson boys was a distant one would be an understatement. If either of them ever addressed the issue but that was unlikely to happen. Robert Belsen had always carried a chip on his shoulder from the way his father neglected his mother and pushed her into an abyss of drug and alcohol abuse. They carried the same rage but the same desire to be in control of their own destinies. Robbie, as he preferred to be called, made it a point to disassociate himself with his father's ranch and worked at the nearby Dahlia Ranch--a job he had taken to spite his father, the ranch run by his father's arch enemy and Robbie's father-in-law, Billy Plasterer. The fact that he had been invited to the rival ranch made Walter's blood boil and father and son rarely spoke. It had been a shock when Robbie's wife, Autumn, told him that he had been called to his father's house that evening. When he returned to their house on the edge of the ranch, his wife was dressed up and he quickly changed into more fitting attire. The ride over to the Belsen Ranch was tense, his nerves getting the best of him. It had been a good five years since he had seen his father. At 29, he was essentially taking the reigns of the Dahlia when his father-in-law was planning to retire the following year. The announcement was on the cusp but Robbie's marriage was misery. When they arrived at the party, he wasn't surprised to see Autumn disappear to a back barroom area as his eyes drifted to the large banner reading "Congratulations Walter and Tabitha!" Robbie reached a bar off the kitchen, walked behind the bar, and poured a sizable glass of whiskey before admiring the starry skies of Montana that night. He had just exited to the open balcony when he took a long pull from his glass, choking it down as he imagined his father was ruining another woman's life. Little did he know that he already knew the bride-to-be. Tabitha remembered Robbie Belsen. Like he was the back of her hand...the kid version of him anyway. He was the beautiful boy next door type. Just a little bit older. Old enough to make him seem mysterious and cool...even if he wasn't. That was another reason why marrying Walter was just...weird. Because that would make her Robbie's step-mother...and she was younger than he was! For a good portion of her life, she thought they would be friends forever. But she was young and naive. She didn't realize that, for boys, once they turned 13...their entire lives changed. If they didn't want to date a girl, what good were they to them? Or, that was Tabitha's experience anyway. Then again, it didn't really matter either. It wasn't too long after she turned 13 that she was sent away to boarding school. Until six months ago, she hadn't been in this sleepy little ranch town for more than a few days at a time. “Robbie...” The name spilled out of her mouth in a wave of shock. Sure, she had invited him here. She had even seen him walking around the room before she made her way out onto this balcony. But a sideways glance to see him there, seeing him up close for the first time in over a decade, it was a whole different experience. This was definitely the kid that she had grown up with...in these very fields around this house, as a matter of a fact. But he was...grown up. “Wow...I'm sorry! You probably prefer Robert now.” Slowly, Tabitha took a few steps toward him. In the moonlight, her hand was turned just enough for the large diamond on her hand to shine brightly. As she moved closer, she couldn't stop staring at him. He was gorgeous...but then again, he was always gorgeous to her. Even if all she ever wanted was friends. It did make her wish that she had worn something a little more flattering than black trousers and a white, frilly top though. “It's been a long time...” It should have clicked over from the banner and from knowing how his father worked but Robbie was too busy pitying a woman he assumed to be a few years older than himself. His mind was floating in his drink as he looked out at the open acreage beyond the fence, only slowly coming back into consciousness as he heard his name. It sounded familiar as he felt a chill move through him, slowly turning in the direction of the voice. It was a few seconds before he processed who it was. "Tabitha…when…did you get back into town?" His mind was spinning faster and he knew the logical answers to most of the questions to follow. Robbie had never let his memories of Tabitha stray too far from his mind, even after all the years they had been apart. She had been a little younger but he liked the way she didn't hesitate to get into some innocent trouble with him from time to time. The moonlight was pale but it washed over her just enough to give him the lines of her face, the curves that she had grown into, and the glare of the massive rock she had been given. His blood was cold but his father was colder. "No, Robbie's fine actually…congratulations are in order I suppose." He slowly inched closer to her, his breathing growing slightly more shallow as time continued. Even in something so simple, she looked elegant. He had to stop looking at her--she was about to become his stepmother but the Belsens had a similar taste in women. Strong willed, independent, sharp edges hidden with beautiful features. "It has been. Where have you been all these years and how did you end up…here…with…Walt?" He tried to hide his smugness at the situation, his heart racing the way it would whenever he caught a glimpse of her when she didn't know he was looking. In a way, Tabitha was shocked that Robbie Belsen even remembered who she was. He was married now...likely to someone beautiful and much more appealing than she. Though he was working on her father's ranch, he was probably happy and ready to take over that family business. A family that loved him far more than his own father could have ever loved him. He was probably just as happy as he deserved to be. That's why Tabitha felt the wave of shock wash through her when he called her name. “Um...about six months ago,” she said softly as she pushed fingers through a few strands of rogue hair that had fallen into her face. It was no secret that she had gone off to boarding school. The entire town knew that it was because of her will to go to medical school that she had been sent. Nothing more than that. Everyone knew that was where she was going before she left. But no one, Tabitha or her family included, imagined that she wouldn't return for summer vacations or holidays. It was just something that happened. That did not mean that Tabitha didn't miss it. She missed her friends and her childhood home. She missed the animals and the quiet country life. Most of all, she missed the fantasy that could have been. That dream that she could have eventually captured Robbie's attention and grown up as the “Katie” to his “Tommy.” It was a black hole in her life. A void of something that could (and should) have been, but never happened because she gave it up. That's why, right now, her heart was pounding a hundred miles a minute. Her head was spinning again, even though she thought she ha gotten that under control. There was a yearning for affection that was pooling inside of her and she felt as if she would drown unless he could save her. “Thank you.” She laughed her polite acceptance of his words, even though a thin layer of sweat was forming on the back of her neck. “It um...well...you know, I really don't know? It...it happened really fast. But uh...well, you know I went off to boarding school. College after that. Veterinarian school after that. Once I finally graduated and got my license... I came back here. I'm working with Doctor Peterson in town.” Robbie stood by and listened as she talked about all that had happened in the time since they had last seen each other. He had missed the way that her face would light up when she talked about her love of animals and the prospects of helping them once she grew up. A smile forced its way to his face as he finally heard that she had made her dream happen, finally breaking his own silence while skipping over the business with his father for the moment. "That's great, I'm so glad that you're actually doing what you wanted to do. Keeping the ranch animals in good conditions. Being your own woman…well…you were." He pushed it into the conversation a bit, not really needed to go deeper into what his father had to say about the whole thing. Walter liked his women at home and without choices or ways of having their wants met on their own. Robbie could be controlling or at least he would try--more than once it ended with Autumn throwing things around the house, stomping out, and once she spit in his face. It was going to get even more interesting between the two ranches. The time that they were spending on the porch then reminded him of exactly how he had felt before he knew what those feelings meant. He had been and still was smitten with Tabitha but a spiderweb had already begun tightening around their hearts--he was married to his father's ruthless enemy. He was being nurtured into the successor. She was marrying a cold man who shared the same blood as he had coursing through his veins. She was likely to regret most or all of those decisions unless something changed between them. What Tabitha had heard about Robbie and Walter's dysfunctional relationship was strictly through the grapevine. Any time she tried to bring it up with her new husband-to-be, he changed the subject with some lewd and crude remark that bordered on derogative. It was clear that Walter would rather believe his son didn't exist in the world; it was something that Tabitha was currently experiencing. Her father wasn't too thrilled with her relationship status either. Still, she had a relationship – he was still walking her down the aisle at her wedding. “I'm trying to be...I really love it. It's something that I have always wanted to do. But, your Dad...he's really pushing me to take some time off. With the wedding and the honeymoon getting close... He thinks it would take a lot of stress off of me to step away from the practice for a little while.” They both knew, however, that if she took some time off...Walter would never let her go back. If she gave into this one request, she would be giving him a reason to expect too much. There would always be another reason for her not to go back to work...and that is why she was fighting so hard to stay there now. “I heard that you got married yourself.” Her smile was genuine; she was genuinely happy for him, even if she did feel the pangs of jealously. “Congratulations. Who is the lucky girl?” Her fingers help the champagne glass lightly as she brought it slowly took her lips and took a few sips. Taking those sips were reason to let the faked smile fade into a more natural expression; one that hid those same mixed emotions that Robbie was feeling. Those that longed for their younger years when being with each other actually led to some happiness. It was incredibly likely that this was the first that she had heard of any of Robbie's relationships since she left for boarding school and college. It was probably poor form to dish on everything but she was bound to be family unless she truly dared to risk a brutal wrath from the older Belsen man. Robbie knew that it would be unwise for her to do so but there was little he could do to the son he had been ignoring for over a decade. "You have to stand your ground. He'll hate it, he'll try every dirty trick in the book to change your mind, but there's no other way to keep doing what you love, Tabs." He smiled to himself, taking a leisurely sip from his drink at the use of his old nickname for her. Something he never expected to use again to her face. If she was going to be the new stepmother in town, they were going to remain close--no matter how much it pissed off Walter. Robbie frowned a bit at the mention of his marriage. "You remember Autumn Plasterer? Her father owns the rival Dahlia Ranch. I married the boss' daughter and he's talking about retiring in a year or two. It'll be ours and I imagine some more dirty words will be shouted around this place…" He remembered no less than a half dozen times that his father had smashed his fist through drywall over a business rivalry between the Plasterers and the Belsens over property rights, pricing, or just old guy disagreements. There were a lot of secrets between the two families and a lot that he knew that Tabitha didn't know yet. Things that could unravel the entire situation for everyone. "We've been married for two years in December and it's been interesting…we come by our personalities naturally…leaves a little to be desired but she really gives me a run for my money most of the time." Robbie polished off his drink and considered sneaking back inside when a waiter popped out to take his glass. "No, it's fine. I used to live here…" He slipped the man an undefined bill and he left the area for a moment. Tabitha knew that Robbie was right. If she did not stand her ground to Walter, she would be stuck on this ranch for the rest of her life. He did not have to speak the words for her to know the truth. It's why she had been fighting for her job since a month after the two got together. That alone was reason enough to give second thought to this marriage as well, but there were always more reasons. Like his need to control her. The fact that he wanted sex when he wanted it. The fact that she didn't really love the sex with him anymore – definitely not as much as she did when they first got together. But, that was no shock. Early on, she was blind to his ways. Now, she was just lucky enough that the truth had been seen early on. “I've managed to fight him off at this point,” she said, faking a smile to her old friend. One who could probably see right through her. “But, I honestly don't know how much longer it will last before he just puts his foot down, you know? It makes it hard to say “no” to him when I am the only one on my team.” That was true. Her mother still supported her, but that was the only real support she had these days. It made things hard...and, even worse, lonely. Autumn Plasterer. My God, it had been years since Tabitha had heard that name. Autumn was certain the Paris to her Nicole, once upon a time. They were frienemies at best. Two girls who would always be attached to each other, in some way, but not life long best friends forever or anything of the like. They would fake smiles and occasionally have some real laughs, but...Tabitha didn't miss their friendship and she never would. Especially not now; not knowing that she was married to Robbie Belsen. That bitch. “You married the snob, Autumn Plasterer?!” Tabitha could not hold back her shock; the words spilled from her lips before she could stop them. “I can't believe it.” She paused for a moment as her lips pressed into a hard, straight line but her cheeks puffed out slightly as if she was holding back a laugh. “Well, I guess what they say is right...opposites attract. Especially when the opposite is the daughter of the one man that can drive your father up the wall...if you are happy, what else can I be? I'm happy for you.” Her head fell forward; eyes focusing on the dark hardwood beneath their feet. The waiter coming out was a distraction from this few moments of...happiness, maybe...that had fallen between them. When Tabitha looked back up again, she release a deep breath that she had been holding in and flashed Robbie a small smile. “Well, I guess I better get back in there... Your Dad will notice that I am gone soon.” Robbie knew a lot of what was happening in the house without even setting foot inside. The rock on Tabitha's hand was enough to tell him that his father was trying to buy the love of the only girl he had ever really loved but was kept away from. The entire thing had derailed as soon as she was sent away to boarding school. Before that, Autumn had never given him the time of day aside from hate about stealing her 'bestie' away for stupid kids games. In the months that followed Tabitha's exit to a new life, Autumn and Robbie entered their own pattern of making up and breaking up that continued until they finally bit the bullet and got married. "Yeah, it's a real storybook romance…backstabbing, boredom, pawns in the games our fathers play." He rolled his eyes for a moment before he made himself laugh, the entire situation was comical. If he wanted to destroy something or everything, it would only take a few missteps in either direction. He was struggling to focus, his eyes drawn to her lips as she held back whatever reaction had come about from the revelation that he had married her enemy and the spawn of her father's. "Thank you though…" Suddenly, the vibe under the starry sky changed. A silence started to settle in between them beforee, so quiet and calm that he could hear the dramatic deep breath released from her tightened chest. "Do you still need a few moments to yourself?" He dug his hand into his jacket to feel around for a business card, palming one that he slid into the pocket of her shirt. "Don't be a stranger but in case this goes badly, give me a call if you need to escape the insanity around here…" Robbie was about to bite the bullet and find his father to offer his congratulations, no matter how little Robbie believed it. He stepped back slightly and opened his arms to pull her inside, wrapping his arms around her back in a hug. It was something he had missed for years. A small peck on her cheek before he pulled back. "I'll give you a few minutes while I get thrown out of the house…be good, Tabs." |
| Short Thread |
*NOTES* Played via PSL. 19 year old female. Set in LA. I play Armani; the bolded parts.
The rumors were getting to him. Worse were the things his fans said about Armani. The insults they slung at her, the attacks they tried to execute, it was all too much. It was wearing him down and affecting studio time. Johnny just wanted to get the album done and get home to his wife. He wanted to be normal for once. A life where he could step outside and not fear that paparazzi were there, a life where he could walk down to the corner store in sweats and a tattered t shirt without someone assuming he was drunk, a life where he didn't worry about image and rumors and keeping fans happy. That was the stuff that sounded nice right about now. Instead he was sitting in the studio, staring at the paper in front of him while he tried to figure out what was missing. There was something off, he could feel it deep in his bones, but he couldn't put his finger on what. It was simple and something he had dealt with a million times before. But now he was exhausted and on edge and this little something was enough to shove him over the side. Johnny let out a loud, guttural groan as he knocked the music stand aside and whacked the mic toward the ceiling. "I'm done, I can't do this anymore," he all but shouted before heading out of the studio. He didn't stop for anyone or anything and ignored the calls after him. Johnny grabbed his keys but left his jacket and wallet; his manager would grab those. All he wanted was to get home and he didn't need anything bogging him down when he cut through the crowd of fans downstairs. Johnny shoved through the people waiting, ignoring their pleas and cries as he headed for his car. His arms were scratched to shit when he got there. Someone grabbed his hat in the scrum and his hair looked like he had just been well and truly fucked. But the only thing on his mind was getting home and maybe taking a nice, long break. And if he all but busted in the door when he got there? Well he didn't think Armani would mind the very loud intrusion. Things were more than a little crazy these days. But what else could she expect? She married a guy, on the spur of the moment, that was loved and adored by millions of girls in this world - crazy and sane alike. If there wasn't a mess of insanity...Armani probably would have been worried. Johnny didn't really understand...she was used to this. She had been dealing with it for her entire life. Those weekly rags? What they had to say didn't hurt her...same of his fans either. It was all expected, but still, she knew that it was taking a toll on him. That's why she was working to make it better. That evening, she was at home alone. With Johnny at the studio, she was doing some planning of her own for new music. The new stuff that she was working on with Mac Miller was sounding good until her phone rang out of nowhere... It was Johnny's manager. When the front door was loudly flung open a little while later, she had been expecting the noise and was waiting in the living room with a slightly concerned expression pasted onto her face. "There you are...I was starting to worry about you. Come here.." Armani opened up her arms to him and waited for him to join her on the couch. Unlike Armani, Johnny wasn't used to this. Not really. Sure, his skin was thick from the years he'd spent in the spotlight but it's only been around six years since he was "discovered" and only four that he's spent in any real kind of spotlight. The attention, the rumors, the fans? That's all still kind of new and definitely not something he's completely comfortable with. When the spotlight is straight on him it's fine. The worst most people say about him is that he's a talentless pussy that sounds like a chick. Some people call him gay or retarded. But he's accepted that and Johnny knows that everybody is a critic. He also holds the belief that more often than not the people who dump on him are jealous and unhappy or just hate him based on the fact that so many people love him. But when it's on Armani, their relationship or anybody else he even remotely cares about? Well that's when it really sucks and that's when his claws come out. Like now, as he heads straight for Armani. Johnny is still fuming and he really wants to kick the teeth in of the bastard who followed him home and the few more who were already waiting. "I think I hit my breaking point," he admitted as he pressed himself into her waiting arms. They were the relief he needed, the aloe to his burns and Johnny calmed instantly. "This shit has got to fucking end, baby girl." Armani understood. She understood it from both sides. If she had been in Johnny's position, she would have been exactly as stressed out as he definitely was at this moment. But when the heat and the criticism was on her? She could take it all with a grain of salt. Even when it came from his fans. All that said, what anyone else said or did meant nothing to Armani. She was in love with her husband. Their age or how quickly it all happened changed nothing. All of this hate that they were getting would change nothing. Armani was on this for good. It was as simple as that. "It's intense, I know." Her words came out with a bit of a sigh attached. "But it will be okay. I promise. I am okay." Those words might help soothe him for a moment, but those moments would be short lived. The real problem was that Johnny was not okay with this treatment. That was at the heart of this. "Maybe we should buy a house," she said after a few moments of thought. "Something more private and with a studio that you can work in. Something outside of LA or something..." Johnny would be lying if he said he never thought of his behavior and whether or not he was overreacting. When he lashed out at his fans on twitter and told them to cool it the media had a field day. It was half a dozen either way and nobody seemed to be really clear on whether or not Johnny was crossing a giant line. At the time he didn't care. He still doesn't. But when Armani tells him that she's okay? He can't help but wonder then. Maybe he's being too over sensitive, too overprotective, too... much. He's thought of a thousand different things and in the moment all of that is gone because all he can think about is protecting his family, the love of his life. "I've thought about it," Johnny admitted as he curled a piece of hair behind her ear. Right after Vegas he wondered if they should move to a suburban palace. They had the money for it and it would undoubtedly give them some more privacy. But it also felt like they were giving in that way. Letting them win. "And I know you're okay but I'm not. I hate the bullshit they spew about you and about us." Johnny shook his head. "It's just too much." Johnny was scared. In his mind, Armani could imagine that there was this part of him that wondered when she would pack up and leave him. Maybe he didn't. But, if he did, that would explain why he was over-reacting - and yes, he WAS over-reacting - the way that he was. Armani could not and would not blame him. This WAS all too much...and that is why her mind scrambled to come up with some way to lessen the burn that they were feeling. Moving, in a way, would be like giving in and giving up the fight, but was that always a bad thing? Armani thought not, especially in this situation, but that wouldn't end all of the comments on Twitter and in the weekly magazines. So she kept thinking until something came to mind. "Think about it some more, okay? Because I know that you aren't okay...and I don't like that anymore than you like all of this madness." She paused again. "Maybe we should do an interview. On TV or something? Maybe if we go on and explain ourselves, let them see the real us, maybe they will get it." |
| Journal Entry #1 |
*NOTES* Character is a 27 year old, newly married to the head of the mob.
The rumors around the house are that I am pregnant. That reason is why Suave and I had a “shotgun” wedding. Suave won't announce the impending expectancy because he is ashamed that he allowed himself to get trapped into a marriage by a “hick whore stripper.” Well, let me be the first to announce...I am NOT pregnant. I am avid about taking my birth control pills for reasons that I am sure you know of, but refuse to consider. If I get pregnant before I make a point of it...it is someone else's will that is not mine. That time, however, is not now. On a related note, I did not even speak of marriage before I was proposed to; that was completely his idea. To the men who I know will be reading this....your boss is a stubborn man. He doesn't take no for an answer. The choice was never really mine to begin with. It's amusing to me that these men...the same men who know all of the details of how my husband and I got together...can say an believe such things. They know more about all of this than I do. They are just looking for reasons to hate me... Clearly, there are none. No legit ones anyway. But that does not matter; they are going to find some reasons anyway. It was not until I moved in with Suave that my life became so full of secrets. What's funny about it all is...I feel more vulnerable with those secrets than I ever did without them. Having secrets gives people the stronger ability to see things for how they would like to see them, instead of for how/what they really are. If everyone wants to see the bad...they will allow themselves to see the bad. So...I am deciding to lay it all out on the line. Maybe if I point out a few things, people will stop glaring at me in my own home, trying to let me know that my head could be theirs if I make one wrong move. It's a wish....more like a dream...but a girl can dream. And, in my dream, I am telling you this... I would not be here if the man that you work for id not want me here. He can tell you until he is blue in the face...but it won't due any good. I have to stand up for myself or you will never have any respect for me. Whether you like it or not, I am your boss' wife. That will not change. If it doesn't, it certainly will not have anything to do with any one of you. If you force him to choose, he will choose me. You have seen exactly what happens when that kind of choice is put into the mix. Every one of you are replaceable. I am not! There will be no girlfriends in his life like there are with the rest of you married men. It will be me; I am the one and only. There are many of you, but there is only one of me. You think that I don't know about a lot of things. I know about a lot more of those things than you want to believe. The difference is that a I don't try to control most of those things. Suave knows one thing, if nothing else...I demand the respect that deserve from my husband. If that is going to be a problem, now is your warning to walk away. If you do not walk away an it continues to be a problem...I will get rid o you before you try to get rid of me. If I can't or don't, Suave will. This behavior and heartless chatter ends NOW! It will be done or you will be done. I am putting my foot down. |
| Journal Entry #2 |
*NOTES* The "I Love You" Ltter. 32 year old Mom of 4 to her long time spouse. Faux-Celeb.
I have so much to say, but I don't really know how to start this... I guess I will start by telling you why I am writing it in a letter. It should be easy to figure out – I'm scared of what I have to say. If your reaction is bad, I don't think I could take it in person, so a letter is safe. It also gives me a chance to make sure I say what I need to say how I need to say it. In person, you know I get flustered by you. Then I say things that I don't mean or in a way that I shouldn't. I guess I should also say that...I am not writing this because of Greece. The time we spent together in Greece only gave me the courage to write this, but it's something that I have been feeling for a while. So, here we go... I need to write it before I lose my courage from stalling so long. I miss you. Not like...I haven't seen you in a few days, so I miss you... I mean, I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss knowing that I am going to come home everyday and see you there. I miss putting the kids to bed with you. I miss laying in bed with you and taking a shower with you every morning...I miss telling you that I love you and I miss hearing you telling me. I don't know what the hell happened to us, Colt. I don't. I know that I was in this really bad place. I had...all of this guilt on my shoulders. Even if I shouldn't have, I did. I was scared to death that you were going to leave me...and I don't even know why. Just because you left her, I guess. You had an affair with me and you left her...karma's a bigger bitch than me and bit me in my ass, I guess. Either way...I was convinced that, if you didn't want to marry me, you didn't love me. That was the hardest pill for me to swallow, too. Because I genuinely wanted you to be happy. When you think as little of yourself as I did then, it's really easy to let yourself believe bad things...such as the person you love isn't really happy with you because of a number of reasons. You're slutty, you're trashy, you are undeserving of them. And I thought all of that. When I finally started to see things differently, it never occurred to me that you might have become used to babying me. Instead, I saw it as you being this controlling person who didn't trust me to live my life. I'm not saying that I am completely okay with the way that you treated me then, but I understand it now. More importantly, I just don't care anymore. You are my best friend. The only guy that I have ever really loved for my entire life. You can't be replaced and I don't have the will to try and replace you. I have become used to the idea that there will always be this distance between us...and I don't like it. I want you what we used to have again. I want to have our family back again. If it was up to me, I'd quit. I'd drop my entire career to have my babies and play wifey/girlfriend to you. I'd follow you around and make sure that there was never a night when you couldn't have dinner with your kids. Maybe that's sad....but it's true. Hollywood has jaded me. I used to love it...but I don't anymore. I'd rather have a baseball team full of kids and hide away in a compound on an island somewhere. But I'd need you there with me. I don't expect you to feel the same way, but I couldn't go on having this bottled up anymore. I needed you to know it so if you don't feel the same way then the hope can die. I love you. |
| Journal Entry #3 |
*NOTES* Most recent entry. Character is a 19 year old, newly married faux-celeb who has grown up in the business.
So... I have been sitting here in the dark, staring at the lit computer screen for a while...trying to decide whether or not to write this and how to start it. Telling you that, I think, gives a sense of just how important this blog post is. Or, more so, just how important it has the potential to be. It's not easy for me to open myself to everyone; my life has taught me to be myself but to be guarded about certain things in my life. One of them being my relationships; this case being about my husband. But...I think I have convinced myself that, in this case, being closed off has not worked in my favor so maybe being open will. In two days, it will be exactly one month since I married Johnny DelVecchio in Las Vegas. For those wondering, both of my parents were in attendance. My twin sister, Amari, was my maid of honor while my brother's girlfriend was a bridesmaid. Finn Quest played the role of bestman while my brother John was a groomsman. My father walked me down the aisle. Since the wedding was last minute, Johnny's parents could not make it. They were out of the country at the time and this will be one of the main reasons why we have a legitimate wedding ceremony and reception at some point. I've taken a lot of flack in the last month. I'm not complaining; I'm just stating facts. No one expected the drama more than me because I was taking a good load before we eloped. I knew that Johnny's fan base was not going to react well to the idea that he was off the market – permanently at that. But, if you know me, you know that wasn't going to stop me. I don't live my life according to how fans – especially those that have time to hate and bully from behind a computer screen – think I should live it. I live my life according to how my heart tells me I should – nothing more. My heart tells me that I should write this. Why? Because there are people who aren't taking the flack with such grace and disposition as me. My husband, for example, is quite unhappy with how I am being treated in the media and online. The flack doesn't bother me – what bothers me is that it bothers him. So...I'm going to dispel some of the rumors and hope (and, I know, that this is a big dream) that will relieve some of the tenson surrounding this “quickie marriage that is only for publicity.” Here are some facts: - I met Johnny DelVecchio, for the first time, in 2011. At the time, he was “dating” *Selena Gomez* and was completely off the market. He did hit on me. I'll admit that I did flirt with him back, but when I realized that he might seriously be into me...I shut down any possibility of continuing a flirting relationship. I'm not that girl; he knows this. - Johnny and my sister have been good friends since meeting on the set of Victorious. They remained friends after our meeting in 2011 and are still friends today. - Some time after his breakup with *Selena Gomez*, Johnny began actively pursuing me to date him. At the time, I had a false impression of who he was and refused to attach myself to him. Despite that, we did spend most of 2012 and all of 2013 – up until the point of our dating – getting to know one another. -Johnny and I share the same manager, Scooter Braun. It was because of him that I was able to open up for Johnny on is Believe tour. Johnny and his feelings toward me had nothing to do with it. It was strictly business. However, it was during this time that I was able to spend more quality time with Johnny and get to know him better as a person. It was also during this time that I actively considered giving in and dating him. - After the end of the Believe tour, I had several days off before the start of my own tour. Johnny and I were able to spend more time together where we had a very public transition period from “friends” to “being in a relationship.” I won't hash out the details since they have already happened, but I will say this... - It was during that period where I had to force myself to sit back and examine the last two years. Despite his initial impression, Johnny had been extremely respectful and devoted to me even though I was not as devoted to him. He could have had anyone that he wanted and yet he was, albeit not so patiently, waiting me out. That was the turning point for me. It was never that I wasn't attracted to Johnny or that I didn't enjoy him and his company. It was simply that I didn't trust him after one bad choice that he made during the first time that we met. I had to realize that I could trust him before I could open myself up to him – and though it did not happen gracefully, it did happen during those dramatic few hours online. According to those closest to us, we might as well have been in a relationship for the last two years. All of this had been two years in the making when it happened. While it was still fast to them, they understood it because they have been around to see exactly how things have gone down and played out. I will admit that the timing of it probably had a lot do with my album – not because I was using Johnny's fame to promote my own album, but because the cards all fell into the same deck. His tour was happening at the exact time that my manager was looking to get me performing. In a purely business transaction, our manager got me on the tour and I was able to spend a lot of time with Johnny. Without that time, we probably wouldn't be here right now. So...where does that leave us... The details of the proposal are for Johnny to reveal, if he wants. All I will say is that yes, he did propose. I do have an engagement ring as well as a wedding band that he bought. Like a normal bride, I picked out and bought his wedding band. At the time, we didn't want to wait to get married. It was as simple as that. We did not want to deal with the stress of trying to plan a wedding while being in the public eye – nor did we have time for it. 24 hours of silence with few people as possible knowing was hard enough to keep a secret. But, it was worth it. I love Johnny. It took me long enough to figure it out, but I'm sure of it. All of this hooplah going on around us doesn't phase me, making me even more sure of that. I'd rather deal with it and have them, than not have him. So if all of this is happening to scare me off, I'm not scared. I've had hair ripped out of my head and I'm not scared. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with Johnny because he is who makes me happy. I'll continue my career as long as I'm allowed. He will do the same. There will be no interference on either side. When we are ready, we'll start a family and...maybe...hopefully...our kids won't be put through the ringer the same way that we are today. xoxo, |